People who only lift weights are not really fit...

samedi 11 février 2017

Broki's 8 Circles of Swole Hate

Circle 1 (Noswole)
You're mostly invisible to the opposite sex or visible for all the wrong reasons. Skinny fats and land whales occupy this circle. Nobody would look at you and think "they work out" and they shouldn't because you don't. Small dogs stare you down with impunity and when Nippy the feisty Dachshund gives chase you actually move. The jock asshole who started developing in 6th grade grabs you and flushes your head in a toilet or in the case of a land whale tries to steal your lunch. You're miserable and so you take comfort in food or disappear into gaming, surfacing only to fap.

Circle 2 (Beginners Steps)
You've decided to improve your life and start on the Iron Path but you look in the mirror and know you've got far to go. You start on 5x5, SS and do your first ass-to-grass squats. The girl in the rack next to you is repping your max and giggling at your efforts. The opposite sex doesn't notice you still but you care less because you're more focused on self improvement than external stimuli. Dachshunds are still a problem, but you flinch less and bark back.

Circle 3 (Newb Gainz)
You're a few months into your first program and you have put on some muscle or lost fat. You've killed at least one jug of protein powder and made the difficult transition away from the processed food masturbation you've been stuffed with your entire life. The girl in your chemistry class that took no notice of you before starts to say things like "you seem different". Clothes that used to be baggy still don't fit, but they certainly fit better in the key areas. The jock asshole who picked on you and flushed your head in a toilet in circle one still doesn't respect you, but he doesn't pin you against your locker and punch you either. Your confidence has grown, you smile more, and people react to you differently.

Circle 4 (Mortal Status)
You've reached a medium build if you were a skinny fat, or husky if you were a land whale. You are now firmly within "average" but aren't content to stay there. The muscle you've put on has given you new confidence and the squats you did yesterday were with a respectable weight. You are no longer invisible to the opposite sex, yet still not the ripped adonis that causes an immediate involuntary physical reaction either. You are no longer the but of jokes, yet still not the object of admiration. Your "friends" who didn't decide to get in shape begin to openly mock you. Everyone else pretty much leaves you alone, and the jock douche has moved on to easier prey.

Circle 5 (Swole-ish)
"You're getting big, but not too big!". Girls notice your muscles even in shirts. Guys notice too but are not yet seriously intimidated. You have a six pack, with some muscle showing through or a solid layer of fat in the case of a bulk. Members of the opposite sex you never would have had a chance with before are suddenly much more friendly. For swolemaidens, the cardio bunnies are unabashedly trying to force you back into spin class. You catch people looking at you while you work out but it hasn't yet reached the point of eye ****ing. Your previous friends who mocked you for working out aren't your friends anymore as you're doing deadlifts and exchanging bro-fists with other Swoles. The jock asshole gives you a nod here and there.

Circle 6 (Swole)
"You eat a lot!". Nobody can miss the fact that you've put on mass and gotten in shape. For guys: girls begin to playfully tease and touch you and coo when they do it but it hasn't yet reached the point where you feel like they're lint. Skinny fat hipsters avoid you or make comments designed to illustrate their (imagined) superior intellect because they need to do something in the face of such masculinity to feel more secure. Dogs come up to you and automatically assume your dominance. Kids look but don't stare too often. For Swolkeries: guys give you stares and smiles and are unashamed when doing so. After a good set of squats you hear playful calls of "dat ass" from other swoles but you don't get mad because you know it's all fun.

Circle 7: (Superhero Status, AKA the temple of Zyzz)
Swolestation is a minute to minute occurrence in the right social setting. You're shredded, you know it, everyone can see it. The people who don't automatically want you inside them hate on you openly. Dogs whimper in your presence. Children point you out to their mothers and openly compare you to super heroes. Even the odd hipster shuts up and mires occasionally because on some subconscious level they're impressed. Single girls throw ****y at you like Frisbees. For swolkeries, the biggest guys in the gym chase you openly and the guys in previous circles don't approach because you could kick their butts. You have an ass made of iron that should be on instagram.

Circle 8: (Brodin's Prophet on Earth)
"What kind of Roids are you on?!?!". You lift dat heavy ass weight. You're an enormous mountain of masculine beefcake even after a cut. You weigh over 250lbs at 5'8" and don't give a **** that in the wrong pants your thighs could start fires because you're too tired from hitting your 800lb plus deadlift PR yesterday. You no longer use jacks to work on cars but merely support the suspension with one arm and turn the wrench with the other. People notice you because they can't miss you. Half the time its to mire and the other half its to see if they have enough room to get by. Your diet and intake looks like you're a personal shopper for your local soup kitchen on Christmas eve. Costco workers know you by name. You need custom car seats. You get in fights on r/fitness that you finish by posting confirmation pics of your massive gainz and people have stopped trying to give you advice and are now asking. You are the Prophet of Brodin and our Lord has blessed you.

-Wheymen

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People who only lift weights are not really fit...

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